Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Heal the wound but leave the scar . . .

Today Danica Jean is 8 months old. She was born at 2:40pm in the afternoon on October 3rd. I always tell people her birthday is the 4th, because that is the first day I saw my sweet child, so I don't count the 3rd.

There is a mom of a child in Delaney's school who had the exact same kidney condition I did while she was pregnant. She was a little behind me in terms of gestation. She went through the same intense pain, several unsuccessful stent surgeries, and was in and out of the hospital on IV narcotics for months. My mom ran into her this past week at Target and asked her how she was doing. Although everything is fine now and the baby is healthy and growing, she told my mom she can barely talk about her experience without breaking down. She said she can't feel any real pain anymore. She still has nightmares about the drugs and hospitalization. She still has so many fresh wounds.

I am there. I am very aware that some people in my life, even while I was going through my personal hell, did not or could not admit it was real or as bad as it was. Or maybe they were just too busy with their own lives to really understand or care. These relationships have sadly ended or seem forced now. This seeming abandonment was one of the most painful parts of what I went through. After Danica was born and we were both physically alright, everyone just wanted to move on. I can count on one hand the people who have genuinely asked me how I really am doing and how my heart is after losing so much of my life and suffering like I did.

I think I am finding the biggest leftover from my experience is my own unrealistic expectations. I feel like I cannot rest until I reclaim every moment. If I hurt, physically or emotionally, I can't stop in the moment and feel it. I push it away, because I feel like if I could make it through what I did last year nothing else should really seem that bad. It is the sleepless nights that most often bring back the memories of the longest and loneliest days of my life. Remembering the sheer physical pain and the fear over and over. Reliving the feelings of abuse from some of the hospital staff and being misunderstood or judged because of the drugs I needed to survive. Contemplating the desperation at the end when I knew I would not be able to go one and pleading with Dr. Apgar to save Danica before it was too late. Resenting the crazy ethics committee meetings about my situation, thinking they knew better than I about my body and my baby. The worst memories are about this very afternoon, 8 months ago. The horror of the hours leading up to, the actual delivery and the 24 hours after play in my head over and over. That day was too horrible to even really describe.

And so I pray for the healing power of God to in time make the nightmares end, and a real peace to come over my heart in regards to the journey He brought me through. I literally breathe praise for this darling child, Danica Jean, a constant reminder of God's faithfulness and goodness. I am infinitely grateful for the changes in my heart and life. Although still so fresh and painful to touch, I see them as trophies of grace.

Thank you for these wounds reminding me of Your own sacrifice. Please heal them in your time, but leave the scars, so I will never forget Your amazing love.

. . . Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

I have not lived a life that boasts of anything
I don't take pride in what I bring
But I'll build an altar with
The rubble that You've found me in
And every stone will sing
Of what You can redeem

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

Don't let me forget
Everything You've done for me
Don't let me forget
The beauty in the suffering

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

-This song was originally sung by Point of Grace, but I love the version by Jaime Jamgochian!

2 comments:

Rochelle said...

I can not even imagine what it was like for you during all those days, and especially nights of agony inside and out to save Danica! I got only a tiny glimpse of it when I was able to come and especially the night after she was born! I do pray God's complete healing for you and am sorry when I haven't been as sensitive as I should to your continued struggle. Love ya! Rochelle

Angie said...

My friend. I am aching with you tonight and groaning for the redemption of our bodies. I cannot begin to imagine what you endured. As hard as it is, I am thankful we can walk through our struggles together and know that He is with us, too. I am thankful your arms are holding your sweet Danica today. I love you so much, and I grieve and pray for you with every breath it seems. You are never far from my thoughts and my heart. I love you.