End of summer blues

I am feeling sad tonight. Tomorrow my Laney Jayne will begin first grade. All day I felt a heaviness I couldn't explain, and I realized tonight as I read books with my girl and tucked her in I don't want to let this last day of summer go. I missed her entire summer last year lying in bed at home or in the hospital. This summer I spent much of my time sitting in this chair working on list rentals so we can pay our bills. I feel regret of some kind. I have done what must be done, but I feel like it fell short of a "real" summer somehow. I could see it in her eyes as I tried so hard to talk up the excitement of beginning school tomorrow that she could see right through me. She wasn't buying it for a minute.

We didn't get to go to the beach again this year, and I can admit I want to cry about it. I won't, but I want to. It's now two years without the salty sea air and sand between my toes and bloody marys for breakfast, lunch or dinner with fresh crabs and shrimp. I miss long walks on the beach and runs on the trails in the neighborhood where we stay. I miss reading an entire book in a day, bending the spine all the way back and leaving sand in the pages to find months later when I most need to remember the place I love and need to visit to be okay. I miss naps on the deck in the sun. I miss finding sea glass and shells and scouring area shops for pottery and art. I miss no phone calls or computer and the feeling like no one can reach me. (I love that feeling!) Delaney has been missing the beach too. In her world she doesn't understand why we cannot jump in the car and drive there. Don't you miss believing everything in life is just that possible?

Dan said as we snuggled in bed last night that he felt a peace he couldn't explain. We took Laney to her new classroom to meet her teacher and put her supplies in her desk. Her school is such a special place, and I am so grateful she is there. I am so grateful for my parent's continued financial sacrifice to help us pay the tuition to keep her there. I know what he meant about the peace. Our lives have finally found the rhythm we both ache for. It shares the ebbs and flows of the beloved ocean I love. Morning and evening the tides of our family's life come and go and we inhale and exhale with praise.

And so tonight pushing through my end of summer blues, I will breathe joy for being right here, able to kiss my daughter on her first day of first grade when last year I was 400 miles away from her on her first day of Kindergarten. I will praise my God for His mercies which are new every morning believing He knows the desires of my heart, and He will bring me back to the beach in His providence. "To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven."