I just pulled one of my "power suits" out of the closet freshened up with a new scarf I bought on Friday. I picked out my shoes, my trench and a matching hand bag. This is the first time in over a year I have even thought about what I was going to wear the next day the night before. Tomorrow morning I have an interview. It's strange for me to feel nervous about meeting with someone for any reason. I love people. I love to hear about their business and share my experience. I am not afraid of what is not meant to be so I rarely feel bad if after the interview I am told I am not qualified enough, overqualified or not a good fit for whatever reason. So, I am not sure why I feel so uneasy about stepping out into the work world again.
EXCEPT. . . when I think about leaving my Danica all day with someone else I begin to cry and feel sick and frantic. I am terrified to hand this precious child to a stranger. I have to admit there are days I long for meaningful work and an office full of adult conversation. I miss wearing nice clothes, having a quiet commute alone with my thoughts and being recognized for good ideas and hard work. None of those things could ever compare to the gift of caring for my Dani Jean. Yes, there are moments of drudgery but every time she smiles I feel rich and know my work is blessed.
There is a certain amount of money we must have to meet our basic needs. We have cut back as much as possible and to keep Delaney in her school I have to work. My database telecommuting job has been such an answer to prayer, but as things have slowed and the checks are shrinking barely making it will quickly turn into not making it. I am a realist.
God knows my heart. He knows my desire to be here answering my most important call as a wife and a mother. He knows the balance in my checking account. He knows my willingness to work as hard as I need to to help provide for those I love. He knows my physical limitations. He loves me and He will lead me and give me grace whatever His will.
Thank You for granting peace in my core even when surrounded by fear and doubt. Thank You for faith to believe even when I don't feel.
2 comments:
I am praying God will make the way clear and your paths straight! I wish I lived close so I could keep little Danica if you have to go back to work. I love you lots!
Keep seeking God in this. I have run into well-meaning people who seem to think that it is "better" to stay home, others who think it is "better" to work. Neither is better for everyone. I think it's really good for our kids to see us focus on something other than them. Keep listening to God as you seek his will for your life.
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