Sunday, November 23, 2008

My hands are holding you

After college I was working in Harrisonburg, VA as a property manager for off campus student housing. The office I worked in was literally less than one minute from my townhouse, and I would go home everyday for lunch. As I sat on Port Republic Road with my left blinker on waiting to turn back into work a 16 year old playing hooky from school plowed into the back of me and threw me across oncoming traffic and up a utility pole.

I imagine finding out you have cancer is something like that day. You are living life, planning what's for dinner that night, what you'll do next week or next year, and then without warning it hits you from behind and mangles your life. When the dust settles from the surgery and the treatment and the months of life you have lost you take inventory. Am I totaled? What's the blue book value of this crazy life, and do I have any equity left once the loan is paid? Can I get a new life? And you wonder why this happened. Deep down inside you feel this might be a result of a lopsided checks and balances sheet where God and sin are concerned regardless of what you know in your head about Christ's saving love.

Last night our car, parked on the street in front of our home, was demolished by a drunk driver. It made me think of the accident 10 years ago. In my crazy head, especially after all we have been through in the past year and a half, I think immediately God is "punishing" me for the spiritual hissy fit I pitched the day before when I found out my dear friend Angie has more cancer. I have lived my life this way. Always thinking my circumstances are about cause and effect, behavior and consequences, and I never measure up.

Angie has been battling breast cancer for more than a year and had a biopsy on her neck Monday for a new growth. Last week I prayed so hard and believed so much that she would call me on Friday morning and the news would be good, and we would praise God. Did I really think if my faith and prayers were strong enough I could somehow influence God's plan for her life? So, when her news came, I became full of doubt and questions and fear. It was sin. I was angry and Satan began attacking me from all sides telling me this Christian life is just too hard and to give up.

Last night I sat and wept. My girls are both very sick again, and I haven't slept. The car situation ripples to cause all kinds of waves for us financially. My friend must endure more than I can imagine. "God, where are You? What are you doing?" He answered to me deep into the night, "My hands are holding You." After hours of crying Danica finally fell asleep around 4:30am, and I rested in His loving arms. "Stop striving, Monica. Stop trying to earn grace. Don't turn away!!!"

Tenth Avenue North - By Your Side

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

6 comments:

Angie said...

Dear, dear friend. I am awed at how well you articulate all those very real feelings and how God brings you back to truth. I am so sorry your trials continue to increase. I know in my head He is good and He is faithful. Yet I ask those same questions. All I can cling to is the knowledge that He hasn't made a mistake yet. He is still on His throne, and He loves you and me more than either one can imagine. I love you. He IS holding you. Breathing prayers.

Rochelle said...

God has given you such a gift for words, to use them in such a way to touch the heart and soul! Don't ever stop using that gift! I am praying for you in your weary state of taking care of sick litle ones, one I know well, the blnding exhaustion. I am praying God will work out everything about the car and meet all your needs. I am praying for Dan as he continues to work such long hours and the toll that takes on family. I am praying for our dear friend, I can't even begin to imagine what she is feeling. Most of all I pray our faithful God will never leave us where we are, then we would stop learning more of His majesty, His mercy, and His miraculous! Love always!

mom said...

I held you and He held me. Now you hold your children and He holds you. There is no greater joy than knowing that my children are held.

Superhero Mom said...

Oh Monica! This post has touch my heart in ways in which I'm unable to verbalize at this time. I pray for you my dear friend. I am encouraged because you do recognize the voice of the enemy and for that you are prepared to hold up your armor. Praise God! But, I do know it can get wearisome. When I first read through this blog I immediately thought of how the Lord has protected you once again...you could have been sitting in your car with your family when it was hit the other night. (Incidently, my car was totalled right outside my home too...not by a drunk driver, but my neighbor's 6 year old behind the wheel of their truck!). I also thought about Moses. In Exodus 5:22-23 it says "Moses returned to the Lord and said,"O Lord, why have you brought trouble upon this people? Is this why you sent me? Ever since I went to Pharaoh to speak in your name, he has brought trouble upon this people, and you have not rescued your people at all." This was Moses...does it sound familiar? Just a few thoughts to encourage you...He already knows how we feel and he can handle our emotions and feelings. Secondly, God is watching over His Word to perform it (Jer. 1:12). And finally, He will perfect that which concerns you (Ps. 138:8). I do know that he holds you and I am continuing to lift you up and your friend too! He is a faithful God!

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