Thursday, October 16, 2008

Empty Spaces

"Grace fills empty spaces, but it can only enter where there is a void to receive it, and it is grace itself which makes the void." Simon Weil

I have felt hollow the past few days. I have felt myself on the verge of a depression I cannot completely explain. I know myself well enough to allow for the sadness and not try to fake my way into some kind of contrived joy. I know my God will meet me here in these empty spaces of my heart and life if I am still and seek to know Him. Today as I tried to pray and no words would come I began to cry. "God, You are Enough." I said it over and over.

The decision for Dan to have a vasectomy was well thought out. We were told it would be very foolish to ever try to have children again. It was a true miracle I did not lose my kidney or die from complications with my last pregnancy. We are blessed with two beautiful girls. We needed to wisely protect my health so I will be here to mother them. Why does Satan try to trick me into thinking I need more? It's like I'm Eve back in the Garden of Eden, and I want the one thing God has clearly closed the door on. God is God, and I am not. He is Enough.

This word "Enough" that I have bound on my heart this past year appeared in a post this week from my dear blogger friend, Ann from Holy Experience, Dawning in the Dark. He is Dayenu. "MORE THAN ENOUGH." Not just enough but exceedingly abundantly more than I could ever need or want is given in my Savior to me. Given to me, a woman who would surely eat of the tree if given the chance. A woman who would turn her back time and time again on all the gifts freely given to try to taste the one God has forbidden. Yet, in amazing love He meets me here in my nakedness and shame and gives me grace for my empty spaces, and He fills me up drop by drop.

Thank You for lessons learned through emptiness and grief. Thank You for grace overflowing for those who thirst. Thank You for thirst, the gift that proves You are alive and at work in my heart and life. Thank You that all of You is MORE THAN ENOUGH for all of me.


Angie said...

Ann's words struck me, too. Enough. Such a small word with such a huge meaning. Praying you will feel the peace of enough as you grieve and struggle. I love you so much.. so very, very much.

Rochelle said...

I am praying for you and trusting God to meet your every need, as a wife, mother, and your needs as a family! I can empathize with your grief, it is in our nature to want to mother and grow our families and it is sometimes hard to feel that part of your life is closed. God understands and He will truly fill up your empty spaces, in ways you may never expect! I love you with all my heart! Rochelle