Keep Saving Me

It's been forever since I have sat down to write. There are many reasons for that, but I guess the biggest one is I often hesitate to put into words the really hard days because the gratitude is buried under physical pain and fatigue and a hurting heart. I haven't been to church in a month. I have probably been out of this house a total of 5 hours in the last month. I have been working more than I'd like and dealing with continued recovery from surgery and sick kids. All the normal life stuff that makes the days run into one another like an endless stream of gray. Believe me, I am still mining the drudgery and monotony and the ordinary for blessings, but I am afraid if I stop I might not be able to start again. So, the gifts are like spots of color, out of focus because of my frenetic need to keep moving and doing and working.

Of course, the most beautiful and vibrant gift, my salvation, also becomes distorted when I operate this way. Satan attacks me and tells me the lack of joy I feel and my waning desire for the Word and prayer is because God is letting me go. He knew it wouldn't last. I could never fight the good fight or finish the race. He tells me to let the gray turn to black and just give up.

On Wednesday morning I was just about ready to lose my mind. Dan was working 3-11 that day and Delaney was home sick so I told Dan I was going out to clear my head and get a cup of coffee. When I got in the car the song, "Savior Please, Keep Saving Me", sung by Josh Wilson came on the radio. Here's the thing. When I first heard this song I was a little bothered by it. I have always been taught you can't lose your salvation and somehow the main line from this song irritated me. For the first time I listened to the words and through tears I breathed this prayer,

Savior, please take my hand
I work so hard, I live so fast
This life begins, and then it ends
And I do the best that I can, but I don't know how long I'll last

I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough
I can't do this alone, God I need You to hold on to me
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love
Savior, please keep saving me

Savior, please help me stand
I fall so hard, I fade so fast
Will You begin right where I end
And be the God of all I am because You're all I have

Hallelujah
Everything You are to me
Is everything I'll ever need
And I am learning to believe
That I don't have to prove a thing
'Cause You're the one who's saving me

My Savior is the author and FINISHER of my faith. He sits at the right hand of God and intercedes for me. He was tempted in all ways as I am but without sin. He began a good work and will be faithful to complete it.

Thank you for continuing to save me. Thank you for the light of Your love ever peeking through the clouds of the life reminding me to lay aside every weight, hold fast and endure, always celebrating so great a salvation.