PEACE

"Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." John 14:27

Yesterday morning I had a doctors appointment at 9:30 am, and I had to drop Delaney at school by 8:00 am. I ran a few errands, and then I parked in front of the doctor's office. I sat in the quiet car. I was still, but I felt like all my synapses were firing. I had been nights without any real sleep. I had shooting pains through my trap muscles and down my arms. My hips and knees ached. I felt like I had forgotten to breathe for a very long time.

When I find myself in a fibro flare like this I seem to keep going on autopilot. I keep working, keep cleaning, making dinner and giving the kids their baths. I push and push through the pain, but I feel myself slipping further and further away from PEACE. I know if I stop for even a minute I won't get up. I will curl up in a fetal position and let myself go to the place that offers no real comfort but Satan tells me is understandable and even deserved. I want to complain and despair.

So I stopped, and I exhaled. My body relaxed, and I prayed. "God, give me Your peace." As my prayer made it's way through the years of pain since my initial diagnosis and the periods of reprieve, for which I am so grateful, I realized a pattern. Not one explained by foods I was eating or amounts of exercise or weather patterns, although those certainly play a part, but a map showing me my flares have often been times when I have tried to make up my own answers for the questions plaguing my heart.

In the past month I have felt unrest with our financial situation. Suddenly, what I prayed for continuously and finally came, the provision of ENOUGH, has left me wanting more. I feel anxious about the collection calls. I want to pay everything off and really feel like I am "in control" again. I know to do this I would have to put my dear daughter, who I fought so hard to bring into this world and who I believe still needs me full time, in day care. I have prayed some about my inner struggles but not really, because I already know God's will. He wants me to be truly still. He wants me to revel in His daily manna and the amazing privilege of being here moment by moment with this child.

My fibro is His answer to me. Most people who suffer from severe fibromyalgia are type A stress monsters. We need to keep going and doing and being and our minds cannot quit at night so we don't sleep and our bodies refuse to rest and restore and so we break down. Bottom line, I need to take the peace freely given from my loving Father as my primary treatment. Real rest cannot be found in my Ambien or the past due medical bills being paid or any other temporary worldly rest but only in complete surrender to the peace that passes all understanding. This physical affliction is a blessing, a gift from a God who lovingly reminds me He is the Prince of Peace.