I only like clean, neat, pressed things. If something has a chip or a scratch or a wrinkle I really don't want it any more. Even if it can be fixed but I know where it was fixed I can't get that out of my mind, and it still drives me crazy. I have a sickness of sorts that follows me into almost every area of my life. I need things to be whole. Sunday as I was getting ready for church I pulled on my white sweater and noticed a little wrinkle in the front. Let me tell you this was a newly dry cleaned sweater that came off a hanger, and I know the wrinkle was probably not noticeable to any one else. I plugged the iron in and instead of taking the sweater off to iron the tiny spot I put the hot iron on my belly to try to quickly fix the problem. Well, just as I did that a huge spirt of steam came out and burned me. Not just an ouch--too hot--kind of burn but the kind that left two large burn marks on my stomach.
Every day sine then as I shower or get dressed I see these big red marks on my stomach, and I have been thinking about why I am so afraid to be a little messed up. Why do I feel like I have to keep holding everything together all the time? Would it be so bad to let someone see me with a wrinkled blouse or a dirty house or completely prostrate in tears because I am just too overwhelmed? I think as a Christian I am always supposed to be strong and courageous and full of peace and joy, etc. So today I found some quiet time and started searching the Bible and guess what? God delights in our brokeness. He came to clean up messes. He came to patch us back together with the super glue of His grace and make us whole. Not the kind of repair job where no one can see where we've been either. The kind where everyone can see we were shattered in a million pieces beyond hope and He fixed us! This brings Him glory! When I read the Psalms and the Old Testament prophets I see this so clearly. They weren't afraid to let it all hang out there. They had times of complete anguish over circumstances and sin and their own inadequacies. God included this over and over again in His Word for a reason.
So here I am. I'm a mess. It's ok. I've been saved by a God who has purged me with hyssop and made me clean. He has washed me and made me white as snow. He has bound up my broken heart and gently led me in paths of righteousness. He's not ashamed of the brokeness--the years of promiscuity, drug use, unfaithfulness, idolatry, and even murder. While I was yet a sinner He sent His Son to die for me. He calls me His daughter and He is my ABBA Father. I have been reading several blogs lately where godly women are brave enough to expose the cracks and tell the truth about just how big a mess their lives were before God saved them. I see the response of the readers and it reminds me how scared we are in the body of Christ to really be vunerable. We are afraid to share our sin and our stories of where grace found us. I know for sure this is exactly where God can be most glorified and where He can lovingly call others to Himself--speaking through our brokeness and His amazing love. I am praying for courage today to come to God and live before others just as I am.
Just as I am.
By: Charlotte Elliott
Just as I am, without one plea
But that thy blood was shed for me
And that thou bidd’st me come to thee
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
Just as I am and waiting not
To rid my soul of one dark blot,
To thee, whose blood can cleanse each spot,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
Just as I am, though tossed about
With many a conflict, many a doubt,
Fightings and fears within, without,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
Just as I am, poor, wretched, blind;
Sight, riches, healing of the mind,
Yea, all I need, in thee to find,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
Just as I am, thou wilt receive,
Wilt welcome, pardon, cleanse, relieve;
Because thy promise I believe,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
Just a I am; thy love unknown
Has broken every barrier down;
Now to be thine, yea, thine alone,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Monday, August 31, 2009
Prayer . . . REST
I have spent my day frantic, in tears and desperation because I have sought answers for months now in ways to heal my daughter and feel no closer to any real help for this little one. A failed attempt at her sedation and MRI last week and now a fever keeping us from sedation and botox tomorrow. I wonder if they are signs from God to turn away from such invasive efforts. If so, what else am I to do? Where am I to turn? How am I to pay for new efforts when You have only given me so much? I want to control this situation. I want the timing to be now. I have to fix this.
I settle my sick baby to nap and instead of work that needs done I quiet my heart and reach for His truth, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28
I go back to a post from dear Ann at A Holy Experience, "What could change everything: A pilgrimage into prayer" Yes, prayer is the essence of rest. This baby girl is His, not mine. He loves her infinitely more than I do, and He is working His perfect plan in Her life and mine. He will lead us closer to Him through every challenge because His yoke is easy and His burden is light. REST. PRAY. REST. PRAY. REST.
I settle my sick baby to nap and instead of work that needs done I quiet my heart and reach for His truth, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28
I go back to a post from dear Ann at A Holy Experience, "What could change everything: A pilgrimage into prayer" Yes, prayer is the essence of rest. This baby girl is His, not mine. He loves her infinitely more than I do, and He is working His perfect plan in Her life and mine. He will lead us closer to Him through every challenge because His yoke is easy and His burden is light. REST. PRAY. REST. PRAY. REST.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Small Acts
I guess you can say I took the summer off from blogging. I began writing privately, and it made me even more real with God and myself about the work He is doing in me. I feel sad though as I come back to this little place where I live out loud and see so many days missing.
The weeks gone from here were so much the same, and in many ways I numbed myself to the monotony. I spent much of the past three months driving to and from the Chldren's hospital with my Danica taking her to doctor's appointments and physical therapy that really seemed to be doing very little good. I spent the nights running lists on a database which is about as exciting as watching grass grow. In between I would make the beds, make lunch, clean up lunch, make dinner, clean up dinner, give the girls baths, read a story, put them to bed. I would think, "If only I didn't have to run these lists and could enjoy being a full time mom. Then I would be happy." I remembered summers growing up with trips to the pool and playing outdoors for hours and fun activities planned by my mom. I felt bitter and resentful that my kids were trapped indoors while I hopped on and off my laptop for work. Some days I would literally long for a different life. I know this sounds horrible, but it's true. Not a different husband or children or house or car but a life back in the midst of people doing work that makes a difference--something I could see in the Saturday paper and eventual sales. Praying, "If I HAVE to work then please let it be something I WANT to do." I love marketing because it is results driven and success is measured in tangible ways. Creating lists for random clients certainly not so rewarding. Each time I would begin to dust off my resume and search for a way out of this angst God would answer with another reason why I need to be HERE, patiently showing me THIS daily life is His perfect plan for me.
I have prayed a lot about how to make my circle of relationship larger through church and find God saying no to even that right now. When someone would have a baby or would have surgery I would sign up to take a meal. Then it became not just a sacrifice but a near impossibility to minister in this way because of the therapy schedule and my work. God saying to me, "Be faithful right here, right now." Why is this sometimes the hardest thing to do? I couldn't even find time to have coffee with a friend or make it out of the house for a book club or a hair cut. Not a matter of changing priorities or making "me" time, simply the true and constant need for me to be at home working and caring for my girls. Why is the ministry to my husband and my children not enough for me? Why do I need affirmation from someone else, somewhere else, doing something else?
In a beautifully written book, by L.L. Barkat, "Stone Crossings, Finding Grace in Hard and Hidden Places," she says in a chapter about sacrifice,
". . .Or maybe on that day Jesus will speak to each of us much as He spoke to Peter. Maybe he will meet us over a fish breakfast, look us in the eye and say, "Did you love Me? Did you tend my sheep? Did you care for my children?" Tending sheep is a mundane job. It is a lot of the same old, same old--the way we feed kids breakfast, lunch and dinner, or drive to the office and deal with the same people day after day. It is repetitive, like building a stone wall rock by rock across the landscape. So it's easy for us to overlook the power of small acts that are folded again and again into the meandering swish of common love. . . Because the rewards are quiet, being dependable in common love is not always inviting. The reward of putting rock on rock isn't always visible. Sometimes the work is dirty. We get scraped and bored. We don't always see the wall of grace we're building for the Lord."
Today my Laney headed back to school and second grade. The house is quieter, and I miss her. Danica is a little lost without her big "sishy" to tussle with and play with and to read books to her and show her the ropes. Tomorrow Danica will head back to the hospital for an MRI, more tests to try to find the cause of her little crooked neck. What will we remember of the last three months together? SACRIFICE. All of us--giving up things we wanted to be doing, places we wished we could go to place lasting stones of loving one another in small acts into the great wall of grace this family is becoming.
"Whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus." Col 3:17
The weeks gone from here were so much the same, and in many ways I numbed myself to the monotony. I spent much of the past three months driving to and from the Chldren's hospital with my Danica taking her to doctor's appointments and physical therapy that really seemed to be doing very little good. I spent the nights running lists on a database which is about as exciting as watching grass grow. In between I would make the beds, make lunch, clean up lunch, make dinner, clean up dinner, give the girls baths, read a story, put them to bed. I would think, "If only I didn't have to run these lists and could enjoy being a full time mom. Then I would be happy." I remembered summers growing up with trips to the pool and playing outdoors for hours and fun activities planned by my mom. I felt bitter and resentful that my kids were trapped indoors while I hopped on and off my laptop for work. Some days I would literally long for a different life. I know this sounds horrible, but it's true. Not a different husband or children or house or car but a life back in the midst of people doing work that makes a difference--something I could see in the Saturday paper and eventual sales. Praying, "If I HAVE to work then please let it be something I WANT to do." I love marketing because it is results driven and success is measured in tangible ways. Creating lists for random clients certainly not so rewarding. Each time I would begin to dust off my resume and search for a way out of this angst God would answer with another reason why I need to be HERE, patiently showing me THIS daily life is His perfect plan for me.
I have prayed a lot about how to make my circle of relationship larger through church and find God saying no to even that right now. When someone would have a baby or would have surgery I would sign up to take a meal. Then it became not just a sacrifice but a near impossibility to minister in this way because of the therapy schedule and my work. God saying to me, "Be faithful right here, right now." Why is this sometimes the hardest thing to do? I couldn't even find time to have coffee with a friend or make it out of the house for a book club or a hair cut. Not a matter of changing priorities or making "me" time, simply the true and constant need for me to be at home working and caring for my girls. Why is the ministry to my husband and my children not enough for me? Why do I need affirmation from someone else, somewhere else, doing something else?
In a beautifully written book, by L.L. Barkat, "Stone Crossings, Finding Grace in Hard and Hidden Places," she says in a chapter about sacrifice,
". . .Or maybe on that day Jesus will speak to each of us much as He spoke to Peter. Maybe he will meet us over a fish breakfast, look us in the eye and say, "Did you love Me? Did you tend my sheep? Did you care for my children?" Tending sheep is a mundane job. It is a lot of the same old, same old--the way we feed kids breakfast, lunch and dinner, or drive to the office and deal with the same people day after day. It is repetitive, like building a stone wall rock by rock across the landscape. So it's easy for us to overlook the power of small acts that are folded again and again into the meandering swish of common love. . . Because the rewards are quiet, being dependable in common love is not always inviting. The reward of putting rock on rock isn't always visible. Sometimes the work is dirty. We get scraped and bored. We don't always see the wall of grace we're building for the Lord."
Today my Laney headed back to school and second grade. The house is quieter, and I miss her. Danica is a little lost without her big "sishy" to tussle with and play with and to read books to her and show her the ropes. Tomorrow Danica will head back to the hospital for an MRI, more tests to try to find the cause of her little crooked neck. What will we remember of the last three months together? SACRIFICE. All of us--giving up things we wanted to be doing, places we wished we could go to place lasting stones of loving one another in small acts into the great wall of grace this family is becoming.
"Whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus." Col 3:17
Friday, June 19, 2009
MIA
Wow, it's been so long since I wrote here. Sometimes life just takes you down to a place where any meaningful writing needs to be kept private. I know the people who are are brave enough to share their hearts during those times are often the best writers, but I am not there yet. I have been thinking and feeling and praying some really raw and ugly things about my circumstances and wrestling with principalities and powers. I can tell you God is always victorious, but I am battle weary to a point I may have never been before. This morning as I watched the rain falling I prayed the words of this beautiful song by "Mercy Me." Jesus, bring the rain! Be glorified through all this and make me more like You.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Learning to Love
"Learning to love differently is hard,
love with the hands wide open, love
with the doors banging on their hinges,
the cupboard unlocked, the wind
roaring and whimpering in the rooms . . ." Marge Piercy
I'm praying this morning for God to teach me about REAL love. Love that is patient and kind. Love that does not envy, does not boast and is not proud. Love that isn't rude or self-seeking and is not easily angered. Love that keeps no record of wrongs. Love that does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Love that always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always endures.
In our crazy Oprah, Dr. Phil culture filled with so much psychotherapy and humanism we are taught to set up healthy boundaries and only love so far. We are told to protect ourselves and look out for our interests first. And so Satan tricks me into thinking there is an acceptable time to cut off someone who is just too hard to love. He tells me I just can't keep walking down this path with someone who has made so many bad choices; someone who has caused so much hurt for so many and can't even see it or feel it. As I turn around to leave, God's grace and amazing love to me stop me in my tracks. I was the unlovely. I was the one who wounded everyone I touched with selfish and sinful lies for so long. I was the one who needed the persistent reflection of Christ's love by people who were not keeping records of my wrongs but ever trusting, hoping, and enduring in their love of my soul.
Thank You for never washing your hands of me or turning away but relentlessly pursuing my heart. Please, Lord, teach me how to love like You do. Give me Your grace and help me to show it in tangible ways to the ones I find it so hard to love.
love with the hands wide open, love
with the doors banging on their hinges,
the cupboard unlocked, the wind
roaring and whimpering in the rooms . . ." Marge Piercy
I'm praying this morning for God to teach me about REAL love. Love that is patient and kind. Love that does not envy, does not boast and is not proud. Love that isn't rude or self-seeking and is not easily angered. Love that keeps no record of wrongs. Love that does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Love that always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always endures.
In our crazy Oprah, Dr. Phil culture filled with so much psychotherapy and humanism we are taught to set up healthy boundaries and only love so far. We are told to protect ourselves and look out for our interests first. And so Satan tricks me into thinking there is an acceptable time to cut off someone who is just too hard to love. He tells me I just can't keep walking down this path with someone who has made so many bad choices; someone who has caused so much hurt for so many and can't even see it or feel it. As I turn around to leave, God's grace and amazing love to me stop me in my tracks. I was the unlovely. I was the one who wounded everyone I touched with selfish and sinful lies for so long. I was the one who needed the persistent reflection of Christ's love by people who were not keeping records of my wrongs but ever trusting, hoping, and enduring in their love of my soul.
Thank You for never washing your hands of me or turning away but relentlessly pursuing my heart. Please, Lord, teach me how to love like You do. Give me Your grace and help me to show it in tangible ways to the ones I find it so hard to love.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Life is wonderful
Dan and I were able to sneak away to Cleveland for an overnight date on Saturday. With so many things pressing on our minds and hearts and so much work and so little play these past weeks we completely and thoroughly enjoyed every minute of our time together. There are moments in your marriage you wish you could bottle because they are so pure and so full of the truth,"It takes no time to fall in love, but it takes you years to know what love is."
One of my favorite songs of late is Jason Mraz's "Life is Wonderful." The melody and the lyrics remind me how really good the day in and day out can be if we would keep our minds and hearts open for the little gifts all around us. This weekend with my Dan was like this song, and I am so thankful for the wonderful life God has given us. Our ten years together have definitely taken us full circle through every facet of better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and health and each one has taught us that we need them all to keep us loving and growing.
It takes a crane to build a crane
It takes two floors to make a story
It takes an egg to make a hen
It takes a hen to make an egg
There is no end to what I'm saying
It takes a thought to make a word
And it takes some words to make an action
It takes some work to make it work
It takes some good to make it hurt
It takes some bad for satisfaction
La la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la
It takes a night to make it dawn
And it takes a day to you yawn brother
And It takes some old to make you young
It takes some cold to know the sun
It takes the one to have the other
And It takes no time to fall in love
But it takes you years to know what love is
It takes some fears to make you trust
It takes those tears to make it rust
It takes the dust to have it polished
Ha la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la
It is, it is so....
And it is, it is so...
It takes some silence to make sound
And it takes a loss before you found it
And it takes a road to go nowhere
It takes a toll to make you care
It takes a hole to make a mountain
Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la love is meaningful
Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la love
It is so wonderful
It is so meaningful
It is so wonderful
It is so meaningful
It is wonderful
It is meaningful
It goes full circle
Wonderful
Meaningful
Full Circle
Wonderful
Monday, April 20, 2009
Steady as we go
I haven't written much lately mostly because I began to feel like what I have to say is too personal for this forum. It's really hard to tell the truth out loud and although I am always "preaching" about how that's how we should live and love one another I have found it almost impossible these past weeks.
Life has a funny way of adding layers of tough stuff and without even realizing it's happening you wake up and realize you would rather just not get out of bed and face all the junk. When this happens to me I know I can roll over and find my Dan. He is always reminding me how far we have come together and encouraging me to just take today as it comes. If I forget my philosophy of gratitude and grabbing golden moments, he is there to dance with me in the sunlight and fresh air on a perfect April Friday night to a Dave Matthews song that means so much to us. He whispers in my ear, "Steady as we go."
Thank You for this man. Give us continued joy for the journey and keep us steady on the only real foundation for marriage and for life, our God.
"Steady As We Go"
I walk half way around the world,
Just to sit down by your side.
And I would do most anything girl,
To be the apple of your eye.
Troubles they may come and go,
But good times they are the gold.
And if this road gets rocky girl,
Just steady as we go.
Any place you wanna go,
Know I'll be next to you.
If it's treasure baby you're looking for,
I'll search the whole world through.
Know troubles they may come and go,
But good times they're the gold.
So if the road gets rocky girl,
Just steady as we go.
When the storm comes,
You shelter me.
And I don't say a word,
And you know exactly what I mean.
In the darkest times,
You shine on me.
You set me free.
And keep me steady as we go.
So if your heart rings dry my love,
I will fill your cup.
And if your load gets heavy girl,
I will lift you up.
Troubles they may come and go,
But good times be the gold.
So if this road gets rocky girl,
Just steady as we go.
Ah
Hold me,
Shine on me.
Oh, shine, shine,
Shine on me.
Shine, shine
Yeah shine on me.
Hey shine.
Life has a funny way of adding layers of tough stuff and without even realizing it's happening you wake up and realize you would rather just not get out of bed and face all the junk. When this happens to me I know I can roll over and find my Dan. He is always reminding me how far we have come together and encouraging me to just take today as it comes. If I forget my philosophy of gratitude and grabbing golden moments, he is there to dance with me in the sunlight and fresh air on a perfect April Friday night to a Dave Matthews song that means so much to us. He whispers in my ear, "Steady as we go."
Thank You for this man. Give us continued joy for the journey and keep us steady on the only real foundation for marriage and for life, our God.
"Steady As We Go"
I walk half way around the world,
Just to sit down by your side.
And I would do most anything girl,
To be the apple of your eye.
Troubles they may come and go,
But good times they are the gold.
And if this road gets rocky girl,
Just steady as we go.
Any place you wanna go,
Know I'll be next to you.
If it's treasure baby you're looking for,
I'll search the whole world through.
Know troubles they may come and go,
But good times they're the gold.
So if the road gets rocky girl,
Just steady as we go.
When the storm comes,
You shelter me.
And I don't say a word,
And you know exactly what I mean.
In the darkest times,
You shine on me.
You set me free.
And keep me steady as we go.
So if your heart rings dry my love,
I will fill your cup.
And if your load gets heavy girl,
I will lift you up.
Troubles they may come and go,
But good times be the gold.
So if this road gets rocky girl,
Just steady as we go.
Ah
Hold me,
Shine on me.
Oh, shine, shine,
Shine on me.
Shine, shine
Yeah shine on me.
Hey shine.
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